My least favorite and hated films of all time

Gus Van Sant’s Psycho (1998): The textbook example of how not to do a remake of an already classic film by Alfred Hitchcock. The film is dreadful in every sense of the word because it’s a shot-for-shot remake with no sense or sign of showing something new, the casting is also horrible with Vince Vaughn portraying Norman Bates as he is miscast in the titular role. Anne Heche is wasted here so are Viggo Mortensen, William H. Macy, and Julianne Moore. Avoid this film at all costs and just stick with the original by Hitchcock. This film would be better represented as a “so bad its good” comedy that you can just watch it and laugh at Vince Vaughn for what the hell he looks like when he dresses up as Misses Bates (Norman Bates’s mother). The movie has no sense of scares because you can see them coming from a mile away due to it being a shot-for-shot remake with not even a shred of ingenuity.

Batman & Robin: This film is the worst Batman film ever made and it’s awful in a good way that you can grab some popcorn, have a beer with your friends, and laugh your asses off at the sheer amount of awfulness manifested in this film. George Clooney just plays himself; Arnold Schwarzenegger is horrible as Mister Freeze, Chris O Donnell just grates on your nerves as Robin, Alicia Silverstone has no place or purpose being in this film as Batgirl, and Uma Thurman just chews the scenery as Poison Ivy. The film has no plot as it’s just a bunch of scenes of Batman and the villains just spouting out one-liners and behaving like they are fully aware of how bad the film is and George Clooney while being the great actor he is, simply plays Bruce Wayne/Batman in an extremely care-free and laid back manner and he remains to this day as the worst casting choice of all time.

The Matrix Revolutions: The ending to an already trilogy that didn’t need to be a trilogy, to begin with. The first film was smart, original, creative, brilliantly acted with amazing special effects, the plot was easy to follow, and the story had a beginning, middle, and an end. But it’s sequels which consist of Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions didn’t leave the same impact the first film had on the movie watchers because of how convoluted the mythology became, a lot of other characters took up the screen time and the pacing of the sequels dragged, the special effects became the primary focus of the sequels, the action was tensionless and watered down, and the final film had the balls to kill off Trinity and Neo while the same time, leaving so many questions unanswered.

Spider-Man 3: This film made me hate being a Spider-Man fan in general because the campy stuff that was already in the first two films was amped up to Batman & Robin's level of awfulness. Tobey Maguire started to grate on my nerves because he’s such a cry baby and behaving like a kid in a candy store surrounded with so many candies and he doesn’t know which to pick and by the time he does, all candies are gone. The dance sequences on the streets and in the club as Emo-Peter Parker, I completely checked out from him as an actor and stopped taking him seriously at all and would laugh at his crying scenes, MJ is, even more, worst here as she has nothing to do but just whine, scream at the top of her lungs, and be a damsel-in-distress and by the third film, it’s painful to watch, and at some point, you even want the villains to kill her so that Peter Parker could find some other girl as his love interest. Harry Osborn suddenly gets amnesia after hitting his head, regains it back, and then dies as the good guy. What a rushed character development. Topher Grace is top five worst casting choices of all time as Eddie Brock/Venom. This guy wouldn’t even be able to make a young child scared of him as Venom, he has no charisma, no sense of depth, and his transformation into being Venom comes out of nowhere and he is in the film for fifteen minutes straight. Bryce Dallas Howard is completely wasted and useless as Gwen Stacy. Aunt May is just there to monologue to Peter and it gets tiresome and repetitive after a while. The story is a mess with too much going on and the scenes that are meant to be serious become funny and you can’t help but laugh at it. The actions sequences are marred by too much CGI and being artificial looking at best. The only positive thing about this film is Thomas Haden Church as Sandman.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skull: The laziest and unnecessary Indiana Jones film that was ruined by George Lucas, the mastermind behind the Star Wars Prequels. The film is filled with CGI to the point where it feels like it belongs in the same league as the Prequel Trilogy. Harrison Ford is still fun to watch as Indiana Jones, Cate Blanchet is annoying as Spalko, Karen Allen annoys the s**t out of you as Marion Ravenwood, the less said about Shia Labeouf swinging around on vines like George of the Jungle, the better. The story is messy, convoluted, and weak. The action sequences are tensionless, nothing feels like it happened throughout the entire event, some of the other characters are also grating, and you get the sense that Steven Spielberg never wanted to make it in the first film, he just did to make George Lucas happy and it shows it very well in the film. This is the film I hope the fifth Indiana Jones movie could retcon.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones: The worst Star Wars film ever made. The acting is horrible with Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman winning the award for the most awkward couple ever pictured on screen together. The dialogue is even worse than Phantom Menace with words like “I hate sand. It’s dry, rough, and irritating, it gets everywhere”. The action sequences exist purely to pander to the young kids who need everything to be what they want Star Wars to be. The politics being included in the film makes the entire thing feel extremely convoluted, the Yoda and Count Dooku fight are laughable awful and the CGI is horrible to look at as it feels like it was taken right out of a video game, even Ewan McGregor can’t elevate the atrocious script and is bored out of his mind in various parts of the film. Everything about this film is dogs**t and it should have never been made in the first place and it seems like George Lucas was trying to destroy what he already created in the 1970s with these horrible prequel films.

Martyrs: F**k this movie to pieces and I still can’t believe I watched this because this film is pretentious as hell, it’s so far up its own a** that it thinks it is an amazing piece of art when in reality, it’s nothing but a misogynistic nihilistic pile of horse manure. It has no story at all since it consists of scenes and scenes of women being violated physically, mentally, and emotionally to the point where the audiences can’t take it anymore and want to punch the screen. This film is about a special organization that skins women alive just to see the afterlife and nothing more. This film takes inspiration from the Holocaust, and the atrocities committed against women around the world and try to show it in the most gratuitous, self-indulgent, and conceited way possible. When the film reaches the third act and the twist arrives, it is so far up its own a** that it expects you to feel a certain way and appreciate it for not spoon-feeding the information to you but all it does is the director saying “hey, look at how much of a genius I am being a misogynistic and nihilistic director and how I am making a steaming pile of manure and shoving it up to your face and dare to call it an art”. When I saw the scenes of the woman’s skin ripped off her body, I wanted to punch my computer screen and since I am strongly against the violence used on women, I could have been on my deathbed and not witness that scene and it’s not a type of scene where it is used in an extremely deep, meaningful way possible. It’s shoved in your face in a kind of a smirking, arrogant, self-indulgent way. This movie can riot in the garbage truck for all I care.

Transformers franchise: These films are just excuses for Michael Bay to mastur**te on-screen while shoving his fetishes to the audiences. These films have no plot as they are three-hour explosion-fest with some many characters that exist purely to either scream at the top of their lungs, made fun of due to their race and ethnicity, women being sexually violated in the most sexist way possible, lot of scenes featuring government conspiracies, parents being annoying douchebags, and urine humor included as Bumblebee urinates on the FBI agent. The action sequences are nauseating to watch as they’re edited in such a hazardous way that you can’t visualize what the hell is going on and in the end, these films are just a waste of your time and you are better off watching the 1996 animated version of Transformers than these garbage films.

What say you?


 

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